For 2 hours

Last night for 2 hours I got to step out of my normal life and be absolutely rocked and entertained by Needtobreathe. That was an incredible show. It was at the Boston House of blues, which is where Shelby and I were on November 19, 2010 when we got the call that Wes was hurt in a ski accident and was being taken by flight for life to the hospital. It's not like I put off going back there, but this seemed to be the right opportunity to redeem the building.

I spend a lot of time going through the motions, doing what is right, doing the next right thing, filling my life and my time to avoid thinking, to avoid reality. Even my counselor knows this, has mentioned it, but doesn't push me on it, maybe it is time to think, maybe it is time by God's grace to deal.

I told Jo last night that during most of the new tunes from Needtobreathe, I picture them while driving down rt. 24. I idolized him from the day he was born, and now there really isn't a thing I can do of ultimate significance for him.

Thanks to the band for coming to town and giving us a break and a great night. May God continue to bless and keep you.

That's it

Dec 22, last night in praise band with tyler, dan, stu and shelby, we played My Redeemer Lives. That song totally screams Christmas and we totally rocked it. We also get to play Joy to the world, which I was really missing. Now instead of dreading it, I am very much looking forward to playing Christmas morning. I just read John 1 in the NLT. I've probably read that passage a hundred times, but never before have the words jumped off of the page and into my heart like they did this time. Jesus, the son of God, became flesh and he came to earth to bring us life, to bring me life. That, Charlie Brown, is what Christmas is all about.

Not helpful

Not helpful to tell me that everything is going to be all right, that I will get used to it and that the new normal will become o.k. after all, it's been a year. That colored my whole day. That affected every single interaction I had from that point on. That was like the big rock thrown into the pond. Have you "lost" your son? Have you poured everything you have into someone, only to have them mostly taken away? I didn't think so. Therefore, please don't tell me how to feel.

The end of John 20, these are written so that you might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the son of God and that by believing, you might have life on his name. This is helpful.

Greedy

It's Cyber Monday. I was out on Black Friday. I read the ads on Thanksgiving. I watched 60 minutes last night about the 1,000's of kids in FLA living in cars and on the streets, entire families with no jobs, or not enough jobs to support themselves. Life was o.k. then stuff happened, and there they are. I just read John 19, the account of Jesus' Crucifixion. Let's not call it the story of his Crucifixion, that makes it not seem real. He died for me. He was tortured for me.

On Saturday I went to a memorial service for a former youth group kid. We tried. But did we try enough? The priest said she would be in heaven because of her infant baptism. I don't think so. I wonder if the people in the room thought so? They knew what she had done. They knew none of it made or makes sense.

I saw a friend yesterday. He needs friends too. He starts lots of projects and doesn't get them done.

Life doesn't to be easy for lots of us these days. I pray that my priorities wouldn't get in the way of what His priorities for me today would be.

Trust in Jesus

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me" These words start John 14. I've certainly read them many times before. The thing is, and I'm no Greek expert here, several almost failed attempts and a changed seminary degree prove that, at a quick read the verse seems all about simply putting our faith in Jesus. But think about it. The act of trusting takes effort. It is a decision we must make over and over. It doesn't just happen, and it won't just happen if we think, ase yeah, I should trust in Jesus, that sound like a nice thing to do.

I'm learning that this trusting thing is a continual process, it might be daily, it might be hourly, it might be every few minutes, or even seconds. It is a choice, it is a conscious effort. Place my trust in Jesus. Worry happens, things to worry about are all over the place. Don't let your hearts be troubled, instead place our trust, in the only one who can really ultimately take our worry away.

And with that, I realize what I am most thankful for this Thanksgiving, and I owe this thought to my "friend" Glenn. I am certainly thankful for my treasure Jo and our amazing daughter Shelby and our incredible son Wes. But most of all, I am thankful for Jesus.

I have decided

“I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back.”

These words to this old hymn have been stuck in my head for well over a year. I’m sure I sung it as a kid growing up in church. Interesting, it isn’t in our red hymnbook at our current church. Maybe there is a little too much free will hinted at in the lyrics, but I don’t think that is really the case. Even if you believe that God calls and chooses us, there is still a response and a responsibility that sits with each of us in terms of our daily, hourly, choosing to commit our lives to following him. Just this week I was listening to a pastor who in his 3 points as he was wrapping up his sermon said that we must each choose to grow in Christ if we are going to grow at all.

It is one of the few songs that we played in our praise band that Wes complimented me on an arranging choice that I made, which I also think of every time that I get to play the song.

“The world behind me, the cross before me, the world behind me, the cross before me, the world behind me, the cross before me, no turning back, no turning back.”

In May, 2010, Wes and I drove out to Colorado. He had a summer job at Noah’s Ark Rafting Company and then he was going to begin school at Colorado Mtn. College in Breckenridge, with the goal of becoming a wilderness EMT and living and working in the beautiful mountains of Colorado. We packed up most of what he owned and got a tow dolly to pull his 1988 Wranger and in 3 days we found ourselves in Denver at his grandparents house. Much to their “great joy” we unloaded some of his stuff into their basement and then on Sunday morning we got up early to drive up to Breckenridge to attend a great church that we had heard about, Breckenridge Christian Ministries. Wes drove his Jeep, and I drove our Explorer. We had been wondering how the Jeep would do in the mountains, and it ran fine, except it leaked oil everywhere and we never did quite figure that one out.

At BCM we met a lot of great people and Wes got introduced to the youth and young adult people. These relationships would prove to be vital to Wes’s first months at college. After church we went out to lunch, something Wes and I never quite did enough of. After walking all over the town of Breckenridge, we decided on the Bubba Gump Fish Company and ordered BBQ hamburgers. They were amazing. We wondered around town a little but we both new the time was coming that we would have to go different directions. The Jeep needed gas, and I told Wes I’d fill the tank for him, also something I never really did enough of. At the Seven Eleven we said I love you and good bye. Wes pulled out and as he was driving away gave me one of those multi-faceted looks which said, I’m going to be all right, It’s going to be all right, I love you, I finally get to be on my own, and yeah, I’m a little scared too, and he was gone out of sight.

“Tho none go with me, still I will follow, tho none go with me, still I will follow, tho none go with me, still I will follow, no turning back, no turning back.”

These words were in my head as he drove away. For 18 years Wes had been about making choices that were different from the choices those around him were making. I was confidant as he drove away that he truly was seeking to honor God with his life.

I still sing the song at every opportunity that I get. It gives me a connection to Wes. I play it for him and tell him the story I have just told you, and pray that one day we will be playing it together again, but if not here on this earth, I know that it will happen in heaven as we give praise and honor to the one who made us and who continually makes all things new.

I thirst for God

I can't say this is really true most days, but right now, right here, today, it definitely is. I fully, well, partially, understand, that I have relatively little to complain about. But right now I am tired. He promises to not give us more than we can bear, but it does seem to be piling up a little, and the joy is lacking. Or maybe it is just the adrenaline is lacking b/c I have been trying to do this on my own strength and under my own power for way too long. Stuff to get ready for other people, the pressure of standing up each week, seems to be catching up to me. Add a sickness, add a couple of ailing cars, and all of a sudden it seems like a lot. Sure we are healthy, have a warm house, food to eat... Maybe I am at least getting a sense of appreciation for some of what those around me are going through, even on a limited basis and why they seem to be struggling and down. How can I help them when I feel like this myself?

"My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be," Psalm, 42:4...that used to be seems to be quite a while ago now. Where did I go wrong? How did I get to the point that so much of the little I read is for someone else and not for my self? How can I be a leader if it is like that? 43:2, for you God are my only safe haven. I know that in my brain, but do I acknowledge it in my heart? Can I begin to live that way starting right now? Maybe on another level I can at least start with DOF and the words to Lately, it's time to forget about all the things you've been thinking about... There I will go to the alter of God, to God the source of all of my joy. I will praise you with my harp, or at least my 6-string.